What If I Never Get Married? July 3, 2017 – Posted in: Everyday Living

‘Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important’ – Chimamanda Adichie

I’m a late 20’s millennial trying to build my brand and focus on living my full life, but the most common question I get is “Nwando, When are you getting married?” as if I had it penned down in my calendar for summer 2018 (please note I’m currently single as a penny).

There is hardly any question of how my brand is growing, or what life is like living in a busy city as an independent woman with no immediate family. No, the need to know when I would find a life partner to give my existence deep meaning seems to be the priority.

I remember an Aunty pulling me to the side and whispering while pulling her ears, ‘Let me tell you, the true definition of a woman is one who is a wife and a mother, life begins when you become a Mrs.‘.

Firstly, I would like to state that to me, the concept of marriage is one that is a blessing, and one that I would love to have. I would consider it a blessing to meet my ‘soulmate’ and have someone to share life with (goodbye awkward Tinder first dates).

Secondly, I would also like to state that I have never viewed marriage as a life aspiration. We were put on this universe for a greater reason than ‘packaging’ to appear appealing to a man, so he would grace us with the honour of proposing.

I’ve always been a believer in differing personal priorities and journeys. I don’t expect everyone to treat marriage as a blessing and not a life goal so this post is for people that do not consider getting married to be a life aspiration or an achievement

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’re lost.” ~ Dalai Lama

When I moved to Lagos, naturally my first priority was to find accommodation and a car for transportation. I remember people telling me to be careful in my house/car selection. Apparently it had to be decent and able to get me from point A to B, but not too flashy so that a man would not be too intimidated or suspect me of living a ‘fast’ life because I’m able to afford certain things. This reminded of the popular Chimamanda quote that says ‘you can have ambition but not too much’.

I refuse to be part of a mentality that pushes the narration of not doing too much so that men can look my way.

I advise you to do ‘too much’ now, tomorrow and always. Start that business you’ve been scared to start; apply for that promotion you know you deserve; leave your comfort zone, and put yourself out there for more opportunities that will lead to growth and success. If along the line, someone tells you to slow down so that a man somewhere out there, can find you ‘desirable’, you ignore them and you strive even harder to be a better version of who you were yesterday. Why would anyone aspire to marry a man that is intimidated by success? How then will you grow after marriage?

I’m fiercely independent; I have great dreams and I believe that anyone can achieve anything they truly put their energy into consistently. I’m also that sucker for love, who loves children with a passion. I strongly believe that at the right time, I’ll meet a man that can match my passion for life and one that will inspire me to even dream deeper and achieve greater. Until then, I focus my energy on self growth.

Don’t get so obsessed with the need to be ‘Mrs. Somebody’ that you miss out on living your full life and being the best version of yourself. What if you never get married? Would you go through life as a shadow of yourself, or would you keep growing from achievement to achievement?

What if you get married to someone that is so scared to see you grow, or is so insecure to have you be successful that he prevents you from being all that you can be? Would the ring be worth it then?

Here are some of the most ridiculous comments I’ve gotten regarding men, relationships and marriage:

  • Maybe if you worked in a normal company instead of doing your own business he would have married you
  • Don’t you know that men don’t like women that travel too much? They’ll think you’ve seen too much
  • Try and reduce your expectations in men so that you can find someone; be more realistic
  • My dear, it’s better to marry a weak man instead of a strong one; at least he won’t beat you
  • Look at you lepa, you even dey single, ring you no get (the most confusing insult I’ve ever gotten)
  • I see you’re always posting Instagram pictures, are you sure it’s not driving men away?
  • Maybe you should not wear heels today, you might scare away men that want to talk to you

This is just to mention a FEW!

In summary, marrying right is better than marrying so that society can finally respect you and give you status. Life shouldn’t be built just to be ‘marriage material’, instead one should strive to build a life that you’re proud of and one that can hopefully leave a legacy long after you’re gone.

What are the most ridiculous comments you’ve gotten regarding settling down? I would love to hear some of your stories.

Love x Light,

N.