HOW TO MOVE ON WHEN YOUR EX HAS ALREADY MOVED ON June 8, 2017 – Posted in: Everyday Living

“Like a sandcastle, all is temporary. Build it, tend it, enjoy it and when the time comes, let it go.” ~ Jack Kornfield

I stumbled upon something last night that reminded me of an ex love and I had nostalgia for fond and bitter memories gone by. It took me back to a time long gone by but the bile in my throat tasted very recent and quite familiar. So I sat down and I thought about the past and I imagined so many people are in this position or have been at one point or another. Where you’ve lost a relationship and you see that the ex has moved on, sometimes almost immediately but you’re still stuck in the grand delusions of how perfect you were together and how you will surely find your way back to each other because what you shared was special and it will be hard if not impossible to find that again, so you live in the hope that this special person wakes up one day and realizes this as clear as day and comes back to happily ever which is of course you. A day turns into a week, which turns into a month, which becomes a quarter, then a year and then it’s just ridiculous time gone by but still you go through phases of realizing your worth and how much more you deserve so you focus on yourself and self development and it works for a time until you see something as basic as ‘hey stranger’ and your heart flutters as you start sweating because you realize after all your Buddha and life hacks all it took was hello to get you right back to grand delusions as you shred ‘hey stranger’ looking for the deeper meaning that is ‘I miss you, come back’.

You need to hear the truth so I won’t sugarcoat this and I will be as direct as I possibly can be in the hope that I speak to you and you can one day hear that song you shared on the radio, see a shirt forgotten in your apartment, stumble upon an old gift or note and not be moody or sad at what is no longer.

In your day to day, remember these points:

YOU BROKE UP FOR A REASON – Most likely, you had a lot of problems towards the end, you fought and you cried a lot. You were actually sad and while you were still in the relationship you probably had thoughts of how you deserved more than you were getting. As much as it hurts, remember that you broke up for a specific reason that will possibly still be there even if you get back with an ex.

THERE WAS ALSO BAD TIMES – When you’re sad about an ex, it’s so easy to glorify every single thing about the relationship, somehow you only remember the wonderful times, the times you felt so happy and your heart was full. It’s almost like you have selective amnesia and you completely erase the bad periods. The cheating, the pain, the tears, the questioning your worth, the painful conversations about how you’re hurting and the callous repeating of past mistakes over and over again without any consideration, the shutting you out, the cheating again, the nights you slept with a heavy heart and a wet face, the lies and everything in-between. Those are as real as your pleasure. They happened and getting back with your ex means they could possibly happen again. I’ve read that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a different outcome. Are you pleading insanity for love?

STOP MAKING EXCUSES – Stop making excuses for someone that left you. Stop trying to rationalize why they left and never looked back in a way that makes you feel less pain. They CHOSE to leave you. For whatever reason, it was a choice. It wasn’t a mistake or something they just stumbled on. They probably had the thought to leave you months before they actually had the strength to leave. Think about the fact that you spoke daily and made plans all the time while your partner was waiting for the perfect time to tell you that they no longer wanted to be with you. If your ex still wants to be with you, it will be obvious. If it’s not obvious then stop making excuses for their absence.

SHIFT YOUR PERSPECTIVE – When someone leaves you, it’s easy for you to have a victim mentality, asking what you did that was so wrong, wondering how you could have been better and you begin to see your ex as the heartbreaker who never gave you a chance after how many chances you gave. Take a second to dig this narrative; Were you actually perfect? Were you doing less and expecting more? Were you being neglectful? Were you communicating your hurt or just building resentment? How much did YOU hurt your ex? Did you push them to the point where they just couldn’t take any more? The truth is that it takes two to tango and so you had a role to play in the ending of your relationship. Realize where you fell short, take responsibility for that and learn from it. No one is perfect and this applies to you too.

“I don’t know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” ~ John Green

RELEASE YOURSELF – Release yourself from the pain, the betrayal, the blame game. Forgive your ex even when your ex never asked to be forgiven. Stop living in yesterday; look around you today and appreciate the journey and how far you’ve come. Stop clinging to someone that isn’t clinging on to you. Learn to love yourself enough to accept only what you deserve and nothing less. The only closure you should be looking for is for your weave. Stop waiting for a grand explanation of why the relationship ended or why it’s not worth fighting for. Have some self-respect and MOVE ON.

REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTHY – Just because one person left you, that doesn’t mean you are not worthy of love because you are. We all have flaws but we also all have amazing traits. You are worthy of happiness, joy, love and laughter. You deserve a loving, faithful, caring, doting partner. Spending so many years with one person does not mean they’re your forever and that’s actually ok. Allow yourself another opportunity to be free. Find yourself. Re-discover your worth. You are important.

DO YOU – Do you realize how much of your precious time you’re wasting going through their words on the timeline looking for subliminal to let you know that they’re suffering without you and in the words of Drizzy ‘nothing was the same’ since you left. Put that time and energy into yourself, stop being so focused on the sole of the feet of your ex as they walk away from you and your pleas time and time again that you fail to see someone right next to you in the present that looks at you like the sun rises in your eyes and sets on your bosom. Do more of what makes YOU happy. You matter more than anyone else should.

“Let today be the day you stop being haunted by the ghost of yesterday. Holding a grudge and harboring anger/resentment is poison to the soul.” ~ Steve Maraboli

In summary, accept that it’s perfectly normal to think about your ex fondly from time to time (you had a heartbreak not amnesia), train yourself to avoid acting on impulse on your thoughts and reaching out for a reconnection that’s died a natural death (there’s only so many times you can handle being rejected again and again), understand that time really does heal all, you will think about them less and less and you’ll wake up one day and find you’re no longer dwelling in what if’s so try to take one day at a time until you heal. No matter how bad your break up was or how much it hurt, one day it will just be a chapter in your story.

It’s worth remembering that heartbreak will never kill you. You’ll be ok xoxo

Love x Light,

N.